Sorry, I Don't Dance

and I can't.

To think that blood runs in me. The dancer carried me. Still, I can't dance.

I believe during the third month of carrying me, the dancer tries to infuse the system in me, an it fails. Hence, surrendering her frail body to the hospital. Contemplating on the outcome. Several months later, I exist. In not only the dancer's life, but everyone else's.

I do, at times, ponder, if the blood that was lost, is the one that carries the dancer's hope.

But, I know it's not it. I know I can dance. Without any lesson, I can straighten my arms and legs. And spin around while letting my one foot carrying the weight. With all these, I wonder, why I don't dance.

Tracing the defaults didn't save me any clue.

Though, it starts right after I lost my three friends. Not in a tragic picture, more like me leaving them to save a year in school. I do dance around with them. Celebrate days and try on others' shoes. For days we could laugh and spare only a minute for disgust. We could barely hate each other intensely.

After I left them, I start to lose interest in achievements. The little one that is. If before, I'm able to speak and act in front of a huge audience, I now can't. Once, I could shed tears and loosing the noose around my heart, I now can't.

I share everything with the three kids, but I now share emotions with the ghosts. It's much simpler and unabashed by letting the flies fly. Making excuses in seeing a moving object is easier for me now. I can escape the responsibilities in chasing others by creating a space for me and the ghosts around me. Building walls to protect them from others' hunger in winning the game of earning my being.

People deem this a paranoia and seclusion. I call it the non-existence of trust. I lost it when I left my three friends.

Mind you, I am happy. In the least amount needed. I can't replace the confidence I had in them. I can't make up a new scenarios to fit theirs. And, I can't pretend I see them in my current circles. But, that doesn't mean I can't live without them. I'm only singing these verses to exclude myself from disappointment. From others.

But, as of this, I understand losing them makes me a better person. In a way, I am not ashamed in writing letters to anonymous. I have always write to people I know, who doesn't know me. This would be a perfect instance. I write to a soul-less machine, just to make me feel better. And it does, without pushing for a consideration or an explanation.

If I did this to a human form, it would consume me times and bits of my brain, just to let them see and comprehend, far beyond these words.

And these are the conclusion to why I don't dance. Because I know no one will see me behind the routine. They'll only see Grace and Joy, which neither is myself.

Plus, if I still dance, I will'nt write and fantasize, and draw lifeless images.